The Feminine Mystique – 63 years later

I absolutely love to read.  It is one of my favorite things to do.  I love how stories can transport us to other times and places.  I’m always amazed by how much I learn from books, even outside of the main storylines. 

This past Christmas, my husband got me a book entitled, ‘The Book Club for Troublesome Women,’ (written by Marie Bostwick).  Great title, huh?  Very appropriate for me.  It was a great read.  In the book, reference was made to ‘The Feminine Mystique’ by Betty Friedan.  I had certainly heard of the classic work but had never actually read it.  I decided to change that.  I headed to my local library for a copy. 

‘The Feminine Mystique’ was originally published in 1963.  Betty Friedan (1921-2006) sought out to define the ‘problem that had no name’.  Following the success of the women’s suffrage movement in the 1920s, the number of women attending college, graduating, and then entering the workforce drastically increased.  However, in the years following World War II, women starting taking different paths – marrying young, even dropping out of high school and college to do so, and choosing to be housewives and mothers instead of pursuing careers outside the home.  The shift was so dramatic that Friedan embarked on a personal mission to figure out why.  What started as a questionnaire of her fellow Smith College graduates turned into a research project that resulted in The Feminine Mystique.  In 562 pages (the 50^th anniversary edition), Friedan “…broke new ground by exploring the idea of women finding personal fulfillment outside of their traditional roles,” (Betty Friedan | HISTORY).  Friedan went on to write several more books, as well as to serve as a founder and first president of the National Organization for Women (NOW) in 1966.  Betty Friedan is remembered as a pioneer in the feminist and women’s rights movement efforts.  Her passion is evident in the work that continues today around the world. 

I found the book absolutely fascinating.  Friedan peeled back the onion on the stereotypes of gender roles until there was nothing left.  She covered the topic from every angle. 

It struck me how similar the challenges of yesterday – gender pay inequity, the evolution of roles in the home, greed and capitalism – were to the issues we face today on this topic.  Yes, there has been progress, but it is interesting that in 63 years since the book’s publication we are still discussing the same problems.  Definitely something to think about. 

In some ways, it was difficult for me to relate to the book’s premise.  While I know the stories of the history of gender stereotypes, I grew up with parents who encouraged and supported me to be more than a wife and mother.  I was always told I could be anything I wanted to be, that I could do anything I wanted to do.  As a result, I grew up fairly confident in myself.  I wasn’t afraid of dreaming of being a wife and mother, in addition to having a great career.  My mom (born 1961) and grandma (born 1937) were a bit young for the period addressed in the book, so I didn’t have anyone to discuss the specifics with.  While my grandmother was a wife and mother in the 1950s and 1960s, she lost her own mother early and had to drop out of high school at 16 to take care of her younger siblings.  She always had a job; there was never a time she was only a housewife.  She simply did not have that luxury.  My mom became a wife and mother in the 1980s.  While she did not always have grand plans for a career, she was encouraged heavily by my dad to pursue a degree and enter the workforce.  My mom went back to college once me and my siblings were school-aged, as many women have done.  It worked out well for her and I watched my mom work hard to develop a satisfying career in healthcare.  I believe her work outside the home greatly increased her self-confidence and made her a better wife and mom.  She was very passionate about her patients, and she speaks fondly of that time in her life.  I am glad that I grew up with such strong, hard working women for role models. 

I have absolutely experienced difficulties in my career as a result of my gender.  What is crazy to me (now) is that I did not realize the role gender was playing in my professional experience until recent years.  I did a lot of reflecting in 2024 – I was approaching 20 years in HR and I was really thinking hard about where I was and where I wanted to be.  I also thought about where I had been.  I’ll be honest – some very unpleasant memories came to the surface.  I recalled some situations when I was the only female in the room and inappropriate comments were made.  I also remembered positions I pursued and did not get, only to find out later the role was given to a male counterpart who was significantly less qualified than I was.  That happened a few times that I know of.  And then there was the time I was told to ‘pull my big girl panties up’ by a much older male colleague who did not appreciate being held accountable for his decisions.  I’m grateful for the time I took and the realizations I made during that period of career contemplation.  The ultimate result has been my new company and my current very happy existence as a consultant, teacher, and speaker.  But I can’t help but feel concerned and a bit saddened about the treatment of women in the workplace today.  The Feminine Mystique is still alive and well in many ways. 

I believe there are things we can do today to bring even more progress for future generations of women.  First, we need to show more encouragement and support of our girls and young women.  We have to tell them that they matter and that they do not need to apologize for their gender.  They need to celebrate being female, not be ashamed of it.  Parents should not be afraid to have dreams and aspirations for their female children outside of ‘marrying them off’. 

Second, we have to acknowledge the reality that no one can be solely dependent on another in order to live.  The economics just don’t support it.  Most households require at least two incomes in order to function.  Women have to have Plan B outside of being wives and mothers.  I have known too many women whose marriages came to an end after 20+ years and they were stuck.  They had no way to support themselves, let alone any children or other dependents.  We need to create awareness around this issue and educate our young people on the importance of being self-sufficient. 

Finally, we need to give our young women every opportunity to thrive.  And that means educating on birth control.  People can live under the direction of religious-based family values all day long; it doesn’t make anyone immune from the realities of teenage hormones.  While the teen pregnancy rate in the U.S. has decreased significantly, it is still too prevalent.  I have been baffled in recent months to learn about the lack of birth control being used by teenagers.  Parents are way too naïve about the extracurricular activities of their children.  Education on birth control is not giving a hall pass for promiscuity; it’s giving our girls a shot in hell.  Becoming a parent is hard no matter when it happens, by choice or not.  We should be doing everything in our power to help young women navigate their sexual choices while keeping the consequences and their futures in mind. 

I do believe that the key difference between the Feminine Mystique of then and now is the concept of balance.  The truth is that women today can have it all – ‘all’ may just not happen at once.  We have to acknowledge the chapters and seasons of life.  If a woman leaves the workforce for a period of time to have a family, it does not mean she can’t reenter later.  There are more part time, remote, and gig opportunities today than ever before that allow many women to stay in their chosen fields while also experiencing marriage and motherhood.  I left the workforce for 5 years when Avery was born; I came back and didn’t miss a beat.  I had the luxury of being there for all of my daughters’ firsts.  And then it was time for a change.  I have been able to ebb and flow in the seasons of my life.  In Friedan’s day, there was no balance; it was all or none for women.  That is no longer the case.  I think it is important that we embrace this evolution and show our girls and young women what a full, well-rounded life can look like for them. 

As we celebrate Women’s History Month, let us remember Betty Friedan’s contributions to the progress of the women’s movement.  I am grateful for her trailblazing efforts, for me and for my girls.